Ehh..Matters of the Heart....

So I'm thinking. A lot. Lately more so about my love life, er lack of actually. Lol. So yea like lately I've been chilling w.| my exes [there's only 2 don't trip lol] && I've been hoping at least one would realize that we should try again. Pathetic right.? Lol but seriously i just seem to mesh better w.| the 2 of them. One is younger yet he somehow knows exactly what to say at just the right moment. && I'm super comfy around him, i can be myself 100%. Then the other is my age, 2months older but same diff. He does all the right things at the right moments but is sorta quiet. But being around him eases my stress, calms me, makes me feel safe && warm. However there's an awkwardness that i cant quite understand. He almost acts nervous around me, but it cnt be bqus he likes m in the way i want him to. It just doesn't seem like he has those feelings anymore, it's been 2 years since the break up so who can blame him.? But now I've come to the conclusion that my recent activities are not healthy. Spending time w.| them keep me happy at that exact moment && maybe lasts the rest of the day but i want something a tad more long term. It's frustrating bqus i could be missing out on someone trying to stay free in case one of them speak up. The more && more i think of it i realize tho, that I'm going to have to stop this eventually. Maybe not cold turkey but enough to give someone a chance. The problem is... who gets this chance.? I mean there's really no one i see myself deeply involved w.| in the future that I'm speaking to now. Why cant i just find that artsy guy that listens to weird music && loves video games at least half as much as i do.? Like a guy that has the deepest convos && wisdom beyond his years. A best friend, a teacher, a lover, all wrapped into one. A guy that can be my blanket, my tissue, my blunt, my song, or my joke when i need it most. Idk maybe i expect too much...